love kills love heals
by AesirLaran
Summary: Roy Mustang was a fearless man. He didn't cower even in the face of the death, but why was it possible for him to be frightened with just a little three words that people seemed to be fascinated upon? What is love? Roy would never understand about it or maybe he was just in denial. Who knows? This story mainly contains the struggle of Roy Mustang to accept love.


Disclaimer : I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and I don't make any profit from this story except my own pleasure as a yaoi fan girl XD

Important notes : I am posting this via my tablet because my cursed laptop is broken so please forgive me if you find this story kinda messed up and also please see my author notes at the end of this story.

Warnings : This story contains male/male relationship and you may also find some grammar mistakes.

Many thanks to my friend, Nicky, she helped me fix up some errors in the story.

Words in italics: thoughts, dreams, past memories.

**Love Kills, Love Heals**

_"Listen Roy, love kills more people than anything else. Where there is love, there is pain." Li Bing Qing told her five years old son, Roy Allen , with a choked sob. She looked at him with anguish and tear filled eyes. Roy looked back at his mother and despite his young age, he could already notice that his mother was deeply hurting for something that his childish mind couldn t understand yet but he could see on the expression of her beautiful face that she was clearly sad. _

_"Be good while I m away, Roy, promise me, please." Li Bing Qing continued while she reached for Roy s face and stroked it with a tremble fingers. Roy nodded in reply as he tried to process her words in his head and ended up confused for the reason behind those words. He thought that surely his mother didn t plan to leave him all alone? _

_"Good boy, now please turn back around, close your eyes and cover up your ears." Li Bing Qing instructed Roy softly and smiled tersely when Roy did like he had been told to, although from the expression on his face, the boy was obviously confused._

_"I am so sorry, Roy." Li Bing Qing whispered brokenly to Roy s back as she pulled out a shiny black gun from inside her jacket. It was a gift from Roy s father and she always brought it everywhere around with her. She examined the gun with a sad smile and caressed it lovingly; she then looked up for the last time at her son s small figure before she put the gun on her temple. She closed her eyes and let the tears fell freely from her obsidian eyes. She then counted to three and pulled the trigger. _

_**BANG!**_

_The sound of the gun was sounded too loud in the quiet cold night of the winter. Li Bing Qing body fell lifelessly on the snow covered pavement below; her bloods marred the whiteness of the snow and turned it red. Although the small figure of a dark haired boy still unaware of the fate of his mother that she brought it upon herself. He was still stand upright with his hands covered his ear and his eyes closed tightly._

_"Ma?" The boy was finally gotten impatient after minutes of waiting, he called his mother softly, and hoping that she would gave him an okay sign to face her. There s none of it. He frowned while a fear began to crawl inside of him. Was his mother really been leaving him alone here? _

_"Ma?" He called again, this time with a slight fear coloring his childish voice. He shivered from the cold winter wind that blew past him. The thin jacket that he wore could do nothing to stop the cold. He had finally got it enough when the wind blew past him again. He couldn t wait any longer, he was freezing and hungry. He needed to tell that to his mother and stopped playing with him. He then turned back around; ready to give his mother his complaints but instead he met with a sight of his mother s body lying lifelessly on the ground with her bloods pooling around her head._

_The boy s eyes widened in saucer and his mouth hung open in shock. He was frozen on the spot from the great shock for awhile. He could only stare blankly after his mother s body, before finally he snapped into reality._

_"Ma!"He yelled in panic as he ran over to approach the unmoving body of his mother. He collapsed on his knees beside his mother s body then trying in vain to wake her up. He shook her body repeatedly and after he got no reaction, he began to cry. _

_"No! Ma, please wake up." Roy pleaded pitifully while sobbing on his mother s unresponsive body. He then called and called her again until his throat was sore and his body went numb from the cold, but it was all to no avail, she would never answer him again. Although in his childish mind believed that his mother would somehow wake up if he tried harder. So, even though he felt tired and weak already, he kept calling to his mother. That was until suddenly someone had grabbed his arm and hauled him up. He tried to resist but it felt as if there was no energy left in him. He could only scream and wailed to his captor to let him go._

_"No! Ma! Go away! Let me go!" He kept screaming and struggled weakly in his captor arms, trying to go back to his mother but they tightened their grips on him instead. What happened next was became such a blur to him; he saw peoples began gathered around his mother and the last thing that he saw before he lost his consciousness was his mother s body being moved away. He wanted to protect her, he wanted to stay with her, but he couldn t._

_"Ma please don t take her away..."He whispered softly for the last time before the darkness claimed him._

* * *

Roy awoke with a jolt; a pained gasp escaped his lips as a shudder ran through his body and his heart beating madly with shock. He blinked his eyes and looked around only to be met with darkness which freaked him out slightly while his still foggy mind trying to distinguish between dream and reality. When his mind could finally registered that he was in fact inside the safety of his bedroom and not that the snow covered street; he heaved a sigh of relief. He then was searching blindly for his bedside lamp and turned it on. The soft yellow glow that emanated from the lamp was somehow oddly comforting to him. Although the dream was still clear on his mind and his heart was still pained from it, Roy told himself to get a hold of him and calm down. It was after all just a dream, right?

Damn. He cursed and ran his hand through his damp with sweat raven frowned when he felt the dampness and later he noticed that his white shirt also dampened with sweat. He grumbled in annoyance and took off his damp shirt to throw it carelessly across the bed. The chill of midnight air instantly hit his naked chest and caused a small shiver going through his body. He ignored it and chosen to think about his dream instead.

The dream or to be precise the memory of his mother's death was recently been haunting again him for weeks since he began a secret relationship with 17 years old blond alchemist, Edward Elric, four months ago. It felt sort of like a warning, a bad omen, or something in kind, he wasn't sure. But, he was a man of logic; he even worked in military! He didn't believe in something supernatural like that! It was so silly of him to even think about it!

"Damn! I am such an idiot!" He grumbled in irritation at the ridiculous way of his mind directing him about the matter of his dream. Maybe it was all just a reflection of his fear. But, what was it that feared him the most these past few weeks? He tried to think harder and searched for his answer, but it only got him a headache instead.

"Aaagh! Damn it! Why can't I think clearly?" He cursed and massage his temple. He needed to stop thinking before his head exploded.

"I would be surprise if you can, bastard." An amused voice told him from his left side. It startled him and made him almost fell from the bed if he couldn't catch himself just in time. The owner of the voice merely smirking at his jumpiness and it made him wanted nothing more than to tackle the smirking blond.

"Why you! Agh, shorty!" Tackle he did. The blond let out a surprised shriek when he tackled and pinned him underneath. They eyed each other for awhile before they both burst out in a fit of laughter's.

"Roy! Move! Your heavy!" The blond protested when their laughter's finally ceased and Roy lowered his body to the smaller one underneath him. He ignored his blond lover' protest and nuzzled the blond neck instead.

"I am comfortable where I am right now, so no thanks, Ed. Oh, I am not fat, you brat!" Roy growled playfully on Ed's ear who made the blond shivered slightly from Roy's sensual deep voice and warm breath on his ear. It seemed that Roy was truly wouldn't want to move from atop Ed. He felt at ease within Ed's arms. It made all of his confusion and doubts vanished in an instant. Ed made him safe.

"Roy?" Ed sighed softly when he realized that Roy wasn't trying to move off from on top of his. He let it be for awhile and called Roy's name. Roy only hummed in reply but Ed understood that it was a sign for him to continue.

"Are you having a nightmare?" Ed asked Roy nervously. He knew that sometimes Roy was having a hard time with his nightmares and he was usually always kept it to himself. But, this time was different. Roy was more distressed than usual and he wouldn't just sit idly to watch Roy falling apart from over just a damn nightmare. He needed to know so he could comfort him.

"No." Roy lied. He sighed and got up from atop Ed then lying down beside Ed. Ed wanted to say something smartly about Roy's lying ass but Roy quickly turned to lay on his side with his back facing Ed.

"Roy..." Ed tried to persuade Roy, but the dark haired man was cutting his word quickly before he could went further.

"Sleep, Ed. We have to work tomorrow morning." Roy stated firmly while he closed his eyes and trying to go back to sleep. He knew that he was being an ass to Ed, but he couldn't help it. It wasn't that he didn't trust his blond haired lover,but he was just being afraid. He was afraid that if Ed knew about all of his dark past then he would leave him alone. He was afraid that after Ed found the fact that he was actually didn't have something valuable to offer then Ed would leave him alone. Like his , he would keep Ed as long as he could even though he was being an egoist and a liar. He would lie to Ed as long as Ed couldn't see the real him; pathetic and unworthy of being loved.

"Fine,bastard!" Ed retorted in annoyance. He turned to his side so they were now back to back. Ed understood that it would be pointless to argue with Roy when the older man already made his mind. Roy was so much like him, too stubborn for his own good. He would let him be tonight but he couldn't just let the subject drop like that. He would be getting Roy to tell him later when the time was right.

_'It hurts when you lie, Roy.'_ Ed thought sadly before sleep finally took over him.

"I am so sorry, love. Please, understand, that's all what I ask of you." Roy whispered softly as he turned around to face Ed but came to see with Ed's back. He then scooted over to the blond and wrapped his arm securely around his sleeping blond lover. He snuggled Ed and sighed contentedly when he felt the warmth and comfort that were always emitted from being with the blond.

_'Ed, I love you.'_ That was the last thought that crossed Roy's mind unconsciously before sleep claimed him. It was also the three words that he couldn't even say to anyone in real, because for Roy those words were forbidden. After all his mother was killed with what people like to call 'love'.

Tbc

_**Author Notes :**_

_**\- Li Bing Qing is my own making, her name means clear as ice.**_

_**\- Roy 's real surname is not Mustang in this story. You will find the reason behind it sooner in the next future chapters.**_

_**\- Some characters in this story maybe will be acting out of character and the story may become out of line from the original story but it's fanfiction peoples! (duh!)**_

_**\- "Love kills more people than anything else." Rumplestiltskin 'Once Upon a Time**_

_**-"Where there is love, there is pain." Spanish Proverb**_

_**\- Please review! Thanks!**_


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